Redemption
by Zandra's Ashes
Summary: Post Brotherhood, Elizabeth confronts John about the impending threat to Atlantis. In doing so, she faces surfacing emotions she'd previously held bottled tightly inside. Continuing chapters follow consecutive eps.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't profit from my "borrowing" of these beloved characters.

A/N: Post the brother hood. Just rewatched it and I can't seem to forget John's reaction to the news of the incoming Wraith hive ships. My recent fics have been much lighter and more humorous. This one is darker, more intense, so if you are in the mood for lighter fare, try Relinquish. Otherwise, consider yourself warned.

-------------

Elizabeth twisted uncomfortably outside the door to John's quarters aware of the odd glances of passing crew members. Waiting outside his door in her yoga clothes and bare feet would do nothing but cause unnecessary rumors; the crew of Atlantis had enough of real concern to occupy their minds now. She waited only a moment longer before using her command codes to open the door. Warily, she moved through the entryway, slipping silently into his room.

John hadn't answered his radio and that worried Elizabeth, she'd seen his eyes when he'd learned three Wraith hive ships were two weeks out form the city. As if spending quality time with Koyla hadn't been enough fun for one day, John had been welcomed home to _that _along with learning two members of the crew had perished trying to bring down the Wraith scout dart.

Elizabeth was painfully aware that everyone on Atlantis had been brutally pushed to the brink of what any human could be expected to endure both mentally and physically since they'd arrived. It seemed ironically not unlike death at the hands of the Wraith to have your will and drive sucked from your soul under the constant threats. She was afraid that John had been emotionally wrung so fiercely one day soon he'd have nothing left to give. She hoped that day was not today. Atlantis desperately needed him if they were to survive the month.

Waves of steam were rippling out of the bathroom doors; the splattering of water against the tile was the only sound in the room. She eased closer, finally spotting him supporting his body with arms outstretched against the sink as he leaned over as if staring at the faucet

He stood up suddenly, wiping a hand across the cloudy mirror. "What are you doing here Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth's breath caught at the bitter undercurrent of his tone though she wasn't entirely surprised he wasn't happy to see her. Honestly, she wouldn't blame him for hating her right about now. If that were true, it would almost give her some relief. As long as he still felt some kind of anything actually. She'd backed him into a corner when she'd enlisted Jack to help recruit him for the mission. Now John was the ranking military officer and three Wraith hive ships were two weeks out. Not probably the burden he'd envisioned when he stepped through the Gate.

Elizabeth edged closer. "I couldn't contact you on radio, I worried-"

"You have hundreds of people at your disposal to run errands. Why are _you_ here Elizabeth?" His voice was so low she found herself stepping closer towards him.

"I needed to talk to you."

"And not reaching me on the radio didn't make a point? Don't want to talk." He threaded both hands through his hair before turning around to face her. He pulled his shirt over his head tossing it carelessly to the floor and pressed a hand against the door of the shower for balance, bending slightly to unlace his boots.

Elizabeth bit her lip as she considered her options. He was pushing her, both with his attitude and with his seeming intent to disrobe before her if she didn't leave. His eyes flickered accusingly onto hers and in that moment she couldn't understand how the aura of invulnerability that radiated from his toned physic coexisted with the poignant regret held in his eyes. And she was here to push him farther.

The scent of blood seemed fresh on his hands even now, the scent of blood at the hands of an Air Force pilot Elizabeth thought as her teeth pressed against her lower lip. John hadn't chosen the Army, hadn't chosen the Marines. She could sense how his urge to fly was innate within him, just as the ATA gene he'd been blissfully unaware of for so many years. The kind of kills most pilots were conditioned for were impersonal, the kind that came at great distance.

She knew what he'd been through in Afghanistan and here she was forcing him to again become the type of killer that had to look their prey in the eye, watching as the life drained from their body. The Genii incursion alone had racked up his kill count enough to give her nightmares that would last for years to come and yet today he'd had to face that demon again. She hated herself for the pain she found when her eyes held his. But she could never look away.

Still holding her eyes, he tugged off his socks. Somehow the air seemed to thin, Elizabeth was strangely focusing hard just to breath. His fingers moved to loosen the clasp on his belt, his eyes slanting in silent warning. She stepped closer and his eyes pressed shut; he turned his head away planting his hands on his hips. Peering up at him, she dared another step watching the muscles in his neck ripple when he swallowed. Her fingertips brushed against his rigid shoulder muscles before drifting up the side of his neck. She inhaled, breathing in the smell of his skin as her nose followed the path her fingers had just taken. Threading her fingers into his hair she rose up onto her toes and pulled his ear down closer to her lips.

"I'm sorry John." She whispered, hoping he would forgive her one day. And he was just one of many she owed those sentiments too.

But he was the one she needed redemption from tonight, he was the one she couldn't allow to fall. There was something within him she'd seen, she watched the way the others responded to him, followed him. It was something he didn't even recognize yet in himself, the natural ability to lead, the intelligence he downplayed underneath his charm and humor. He was ready for this. It wasn't his fault Atlantis was not.

"We're going to find out what hell is like when the Wraith attack. How am I supposed to protect you, protect them all Elizabeth?" Anguish was clear in his voice though it had emerged as a mere whisper as his head and shoulders slumped slightly forward.

Elizabeth's fingers fell back to John's face, tracing gently under the line of his jaw. She cupped his chin, forcing him to bring his eyes back to hers. "I'll be by your side when we face that hell John, but I need you there. I need the John Sheppard who isn't afraid to be stubborn; I need the John Sheppard who disobeyed orders in Afghanistan at great cost to himself because it was the right thing to do. I need _you _John and I refuse to allow your spirit to be broken by the blood spilt as a result of my directives."

John blinked rapidly as he studied her face. She wondered if he could smell her own fear, feel her own frustration at the situation they had found themselves in. Though Stargate command didn't know they would discover the jumpers, it wasn't a stretch to imagine the expedition would find some type of ships. She'd been pissed beyond belief that the government refused to test more pilots than they had for the ATA gene. The Atlantis expedition was one of those very calculated risks the government took, and she had reached her budgetary threshold on the government's analysis of the investment they had in their soldiers. Pilots, she'd learned, were considered extremely valuable. It had made Elizabeth sick to hear them speaking of soldiers like cattle they owned and traded at whim. Eyes always cognizant of the bottom line.

John started to speak a couple times, but stalled. Elizabeth eased back to give him some space when she thought he was about to try again. She was wrong. His body closed the distance between them and his lips collided with hers for the briefest of moments and then with an anguished growl he pulled himself away. Her hands raced to brush her swollen lips that now seemed painfully cold now that he'd drawn away. Inside her erratically beating heart, emerged the understanding that there were other reasons that had led her here tonight. Elizabeth watched as he began to pace within the small space like he was some caged animal and realized she wanted John in ways that had nothing to do with Atlantis.

She stood firm, refusing to walk away. "I'm scared John but even more I hate that I..."

He kept his eyes glued to the floor as he paced. "It's natural to feel fear Elizabeth; you're allowed to be afraid."

"But I'm not allowed to need you." Her voice was choked with raw emotion.

He froze before her midstep, his eyes slowly creeping towards her own. They were simmering in a way that stirred a shimmer of hope deep inside Elizabeth. She could see a flicker of passion within them again, burning against that black fog of defeat that she'd seen covering them more and more every day. She wordlessly took a step forward, her hand gingerly taking hold of his belt and pulling it slowly free from his waist.

Just as she was dropping it to the floor his hands came up to grasp her wrists. He stepped forward pushing her backward step by step until her back lightly thudded against the wall outside the shower. He leaned forward resting his weight upon his hands now planted on either side of Elizabeth's head. John's face tucked down in the crook of her neck before raising just enough for his words to melt against her ear. "You shouldn't have come here tonight Elizabeth."

She was about to cross a line she would have never dared in a prior life. But the rules were different now, if only within her own mind. Her hands wove through his thick hair; she gripped tightly holding his forehead tight against her cheek. "John, I don't want to go." She whispered.

As she relented her grasp on his hair, he turned his face brushing his nose against hers. His hands gripped her waist, pulling her into the awaiting shower. The stream of the pleasantly hot spray of water splayed against her side. John's head burrowed into her neck, one hand threading through her hair, the other stretching down past her waist holding her body pressed firmly against his own. Not caring that her body was still adorned with clothing, now saturated and weighing heavy against her skin, she clung to him, desperately trying to appreciate that she had never felt more alive than she did now ensconced in his arms.

Somewhere deep inside, she heard the constant ticking of an internal self defense mechanism. Like an alarm clock grating against her skull, she was dully aware of already counting the minutes until he would be torn from her arms to serve Atlantis again. Her nails pressed harshly against his bare back as she pressed more desperately into his hold issuing a silent plea to the fates. After the hellish day they'd endured, surely they deserved if nothing else, this one night.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Post- Letter's to Pegasus.

---------

Elizabeth escaped into the darkened quarters and staggered towards the bed, forcing her body to keep moving long enough to change into a soft shirt she pulled from a nearby chair. She crawled into bed and shifted restlessly between the cool sheets, wondering what John was doing now. Last night, it was concern that led her to his room and somehow those intentions had been swept aside by her own need. It may have been selfish, but even now she wanted John to draw her closer and closer until she was unaware a world existed outside his arms. The reality of the world they shared grew darker each day.

Her eyes pressed shut and she swallowed hard. Today she'd needed John to for once return before those internal alarms replaced concern with fear. Several hours beyond fear he finally returned, averting his eyes and repeatedly turning away. The culling he'd witnessed had been the most destructive since the Wraith awakened and she knew it must have killed him to stand by and watch. Still, she couldn't pretend it hadn't stung when he abruptly brushed her aside and fled the conference room. He'd known she couldn't follow.

Her eyes flew open at the sound of the door swishing open and shut; her heart surged hearing the footsteps approach. She scrunched around softly still trying to find a comfortable spot. "Your bed seemed bigger last night."

She cringed realizing she'd instantly resorted to the teasing banter that had pained her earlier. While she didn't want anyone to know, it had been difficult to be near John that day. They pretended nothing had changed, but in his eyes she saw nothing would ever be the same.

He sat at the edge of the bed tackling the laces on his boots. "Sleep didn't seem to be a priority last night, but if you're complaining-" John's humor was forced, his voice flat.

"Not complaining. " She shifted a bit higher in the bed to glimpse his face. The walls of the room were thick, but she couldn't seem to raise her voice from a whisper. "You were off world a _long_ time-"

"I didn't have a lot of options; there was an active incoming wormhole." John's hands gripped his knees; his head fell heavily towards the floor.

"And how close did you come to not returning at all?" She already knew how close the Wraith Dart had come to sweeping John away.

John didn't answer; instead he turned his attention back to toeing the boots from his feet. It dawned upon her weary mind that his silence conveyed more. Though she'd left her office intending to head for her own quarters, her feet had instinctively led her here. She shouldn't have assumed she had the right to stay. She sat up allowing her feet to hang over the opposite side of the bed. Their backs pressed together and she was excruciatingly aware that his arms remained carefully held off to his sides.

John's voice rasped quiet and sullen. "Elizabeth, we may have to… Atlantis can't fall into their hands."

"I have considered that." Just the thought of using the self destruct spurred an aching sense of loss within her. And guilt. She already had enough of that to bear.

Elizabeth thought of the personal message she'd recorded; it had been unavoidably overdue. She'd let Simon go, promising her heart would look after his always. As she breathed through John's silence, trying to quell the rising pain it stirred, she recognized that had been a promise she would not be able to keep.

John's hand slid gently across her own, lacing through her fingers. Her body jolted with a selfish relief that faded as quickly as it flashed. The muscles at the base of her neck began to knot again almost instantly and a different kind of tension quickly filled the void. She glanced over her shoulder and John's head tilted towards her, his narrowed eyes piercing her own. Heat flooded her body while his eyes remained locked possessively upon hers and Elizabeth understood with sobering certainty that her heart was no longer hers to give.

She could sense the tension still coiling within him when she shifted towards him. Her fingers trailed down his side before drifting beneath his shirt to trace the hardened muscles of his abdomen. "We have enough to fight, don't fight _this_ John. "

In the following stillness, her heart pulsed loudly within her ears, falling into unerring rhythm along with each shallow breath. Her nerves prickled as she inhaled the scent of his skin and warmed from the heat radiating off his body. Undeterred by his silence, she crept to her knees, peeling away his shirt with a slow surprising restraint. John's eyes clamped together and she felt suddenly helpless to alleviate the darkness within him. She eased onto her side atop the bed, surprised at how readily his body drifted along with her own.

His arms folded around her and his mouth found her ear, the scruff on his face scraping against her cheek. "Elizabeth… I don't know if I can do this."

Her heart stopped cold, if just for a moment, but the ensuing chill settled upon her body. Elizabeth didn't think she could escape if she tried; John's arms were now locked fiercely around her. Deciding he'd been implying the incoming Wraith armada, she tried to push her insecurities aside. Words filtered through her grasp at an alarming rate.

The only response she could manage was the echo of a sentiment she'd recorded earlier that day. "You're not alone in uncertainty; we can face that future together, if you'll let me."

A deep breath gushed against her ear and then John rolled her onto her back while he braced himself above her. The heat between them finally began to cut through her chill and she breathed in deeply waiting for the familiar smell of his skin to lull her away from that solitary place within her mind. His breath fell hot and moist over her lips while she watched them move closer and then farther away with each rise and fall of his chest.

She pressed upward, her lips stalling just short of grazing his own. The room spiraled and her breathing faltered when his lips lightly brushed her own. It was unexpected and maddening how he slowly worked across her mouth, covering her lips with feather light kisses. He pressed deeper with a tortuously slow and unhurried pace before tucking his head to dust the same tender kisses along her collarbone. Her nails scraped against his back, not understanding how the man who'd consumed her the night had become so reluctant now.

"Look at me." John's voice was dark and muffled, as through escaping through gritted teeth.

Her eyes pressed tightly shut when she turned her head away. She didn't want to see the barriers in his eyes, the barriers she imagined him forcing between them even as he touched her. Tears sprang within her eyes and she blinked rapidly to force them away. As her vision cleared, her eyes widened to discover his hand tightly fisted in the sheet beside her.

John's body shifted lower against her own, his breathing escaped in ragged gasps against her ear. She could feel his heart pounding within his chest when his mouth resumed its torturous path. She watched his hands clench the sheets more viciously while soft kisses trailed along her neck.

"Elizabeth, look at me."

The urgency missing in his casual pace thundered deep within his voice and she found herself compelled to comply. When their eyes fused, she finally recognized the darkness sweltering in his eyes. Defiance. They _didn't_ have all the time in the world and there might not be a damn thing either one of them could do about it. She felt pinned beneath his penetrating stare, paralyzed by his intentions. A breathless moment passed with excruciating slowness before her head nodded almost imperceptibly with understanding. She reached out, stretching her fingers to cover his hands. _This _was something she could do. Taking a deep breath she squeezed, reinforcing his tenuous grasp on this moment.

------

A/N: Remember I self edit, be kind and forgive or better yet let me know what I screwed up so I don't torture you the next time. Thanks to all who took the time to read!


End file.
